Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dad

Dad...
This doesn't feel real. I keep picking up my phone to call you and seak consolation. I can't believe I can never smell your sent. It is like a wonderful mixture of sweat and dirt. I will never get to hear your voice, I almost can't remeber it, I have to reach so far in to extract the warm way you talked. You could say one word and have a lifetime of passion behind it. To touch you again, you were so solid and there. I will miss the tiny chip in your bright smile. When I look in the mirror all I see is you. I hate that the day keeps going on. I don't want to brush my teeth, get dressed, eat..... I just want time to stop cause you were just here. I miss you. I am not ready for life without my daddy. I want you to hug me and tell me to stop worring, that death is a part of life. I cannot accept this yet. I feel like we were supposed to do so much more together. I wanted to hike the PCT with you. We still need to write down all your adventures so I can have them always. I still want to tell you how much you have given me by just being you. I can't imagine who I would be without you. I can't imagine my life without you. The world is lonely without the space you shined in. I know you didn't feel good dad. I am sorry. I wish I could make you feel better. I always thought loved healed everything, but I guess that wasn't enough. You are my magic. You are my imagination. Your are the reason I dream big. I have such intense compassion and emotions that I was given by you. I know that when the world hurt, you hurt. I am the same. It is so hard for me to show that cause it makes my days more difficult, but know that I understand the burden you carried. I share it with you. My heart is broken.... I love you so deeply and intensely. I have called so many people today, they all cried. They know, everyone knows what an extraordinary and unique man you are. I have been sitting with Dallas a lot, I see so much of you in him. We want to spread your ashes in a sacred place that will never be developed. If you have any ideas... I hated going to the mortuary, so removed and impersonal. If we had it our way we would have kept your body and had a sacred burning, deep in the forest to release your spirit among the trees and clear sky. I am so sorry I can't do that for you. Jimmy thinks we should go kidnap you from the place and become outlaws so we can honor you in the desert when you are free from the constraints of this greedy civilization. Just say the word and we will.

Much Love
Jamie

12 Comments:

Blogger Madcap said...

I wish you could do that too. I'm going to make a fire tonight and "sit with Jim" awhile. He was/is a treasure to this world.

My grief is tearing up my chest - I can't even imagine yours. All my love to all of you.

3:51 PM  
Blogger robin andrea said...

It is a beautiful testimony to your father's teachings that you want to take his body deep into the forest for a sacred burning. I know there will be a way to honor him in the way that is true to your hearts and his.

We never met your father, but we've been blogging buddies and Facebook friends for a long time. We cried many tears for him, and for you and your mom today. We will raise our glasses in honor of your father tonight, and know that his good spirit is lovingly remembered.

4:29 PM  
Blogger naked on a mountain top said...

Jimmy,

I am with you brother. If only old Ed Abbey were here to help us with the plan for your dad's liberation, he cetainly deserves it. Jamie, your dad will still be there for you in your heart. With all of his wisdom and experience he has given you a uniquely real view of the world. I will always strive to be worthy of the few years of friendship we had. Peggy, stay strong life holds many wrinkles and twists, we all experience things that seem too painful to endure. But we manage to get by. Who will speak for the trees now? I Love You Jim & Peggy Otterstrom...
Jim Brandon

6:10 PM  
Blogger CatHerder said...

i dont post that often, but have been a regular of this blog for as long as i can remember....jim and peg were such an inspiration to me...i am so shocked to hear this horrible news..i am sooo so sorr for your loss

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Christie Walker & Robbie Bos said...

There is a hole in Big Bear and our hearts today.

I offer up this Native American Prayer for Peggy, Jimmy and Jamie.

Words from Jim
I give you this one thought to keep,
I am with you still, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone,
I am with you still in each new dawn.

Jim will always be with us in the native plants of Big Bear and the music he loved so well.

Big Hugs,
Christie and Robbie

5:35 PM  
Blogger Peruby said...

I am very sorry for your loss and hope that the wonderful memories and re-reading the posts in this blog will bring some relief to your pain.

What a beautiful picture Jim painted for all of us here in blogdom. I enjoyed reading and will miss it terribly.

4:34 AM  
Blogger Pauline said...

This was a wonderful tribute to your father - I came too late to his blog... I hope you leave the posts here for awhile for all of us who wished we'd known him. Keeping you and yours tucked in my prayersleeve.

8:16 AM  
Blogger mgh1111 said...

Jim,

Man! You are like an idol!

What I want to be "when I grow up" !

Rock the heavens!

peace
mgh

5:14 PM  
Blogger otterstream said...

We are having a celebration of life for my father on Feb 20th, 2011. You are all welcome to come. Please email me at jotterstream@gmail.com for information

8:11 PM  
Blogger Tom Degan's Daily Rant said...

I'm sorry about Jim's passing, Jamie.

9:12 PM  
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